Out of Focus

Sorry, what was your name?

Emily.

You’re up, Emily.

What do you mean up?

In the game. It’s easy.  Someone asks a question and then everyone has to answer it.  I guess it’s not really a game, because there’s no winner or anything, but … Anyway, yeah, so … What’s your biggest fear?

Hm, I guess … The ocean.

The ocean?  Why?

I don’t know, it’s just so big.  You know that scene in Cast Away, where Tom Hanks is on that raft and there’s no land anywhere, no help, just water, endlessly.  An empty, cloudless sky, a blank horizon … That terrifies me.

I guess if you put it like that, it’s kind of scary … Don’t you like surfing?

No.  I don’t go in the water.

You don’t go in the water and you live in California.

I don’t live here, I’m just visiting.

What are you visiting for?

Just … Visiting.  I just wanted to take a trip.

Who did you come with?

No one.

Really?  How far did you drive?

Fourteen hours.

Fuck, girl, you’re brave.

She laughs and plays with the tab on her beer can,

No, I’m not.  I’m definitely not.

The tab breaks off and she fidgets with it between her fingers and the game continues around her. She’s never been afraid to do things alone.  She spent two weeks alone in South America last summer knowing the little Spanish she learned in high school.   She’s always going to art shows and poetry readings and movies by herself.  She finds it easier to deal with her own company than someone else’s, so taking a road trip alone doesn’t seem brave to her. But maybe she could be brave.  She could, bravery isn’t like tallness or congenital heart disease, inherited.  She makes a decision. 

The blond boy is laughing, answering a question she didn’t hear, and she interrupts him,

You jumped off this cliff?

What?

You jumped off this cliff just now, right?  That’s why you were down there in the water?

Yeah, it was a dare.  I didn’t want to answer, you know, and …

The boys start laughing and she ignores them,

I want to do it.

Uh, are you sure?  Can you, like … Swim?

I took swimming lessons when I was little …

Ha … Well, I guess if you want to, go ahead, chica.

She stands up and walks away from the boys and stands behind the Jeep.  The reggae music drowns out their chatter and she quickly undresses before she can change her mind and goose bumps pop out over her skin and she wraps her arms around her bare torso.  Her heart is beating so hard against her rib cage she thinks it might snap.  She thinks about the cold, dark water beating just as hard against the bottom of the cliff and her hands start to shake and she takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly, emptying her mind.  She shakes out her arms and cracks her neck and then she’s running, sprinting towards the cliff and the blackness beyond it.  One second her toes are pushing against rock and sand, and then against nothing and she’s flying, weightless. 

Freezing air whips at her, but she barely feels it and she thinks it must be adrenaline because she’s not scared at all and she opens her eyes and the moon and the dim stars and their reflections out on the horizon all blur together and then they’re gone as she’s swallowed by the sea.  Water rushes into her ears and her mouth and the cold shocks and takes her breath away.  For a split second she panics and then she relaxes her body and pushes down with her arms, propelling herself up and her lungs are empty and her mind is racing and her head breaks the surface and she chokes on air, laughing, and kicks her legs to keep her chin above water.

She really doesn’t know how to swim, but she didn’t care when she jumped and she doesn’t really care now.  She did it, and she smiles to herself, doggy-paddling in place, elated.  The current seems to be taking her further away from the cliff and she starts pulling herself through the water with her arms, little by little back towards the beach, fighting with the water, when she hears another yell and looks up.  A black shape splashes into the water a few yards away from her and a second later a blond head pops out of the water,

How was it?  Thought I’d better come down and save you, I hear drowning is a gnarly way to go.

Thanks, I was just wondering how I was going to get back.

He laughs and puts his arm under hers and they slowly make their way back to the shore.  Something brushes against her leg and she pulls them up towards her chest and makes her arms work faster.  Without her adrenaline rushing, she can think again and her mind reels with dark images of slithering eels and stalking reef sharks and she’s imagining her foot getting tangled in algae and not being able to get free and being pulled down into the depths for all eternity with those creepy, disjointed, translucent creatures and then her feet hit solid ground. She digs into the sand with her toes and her fingers and crawls forward, out of the water, and collapses on the beach, gasping for air.

Ok, girl?

Oh, yeah … I’m fine, I’m fine.

That was pretty awesome, you know?  Like, conquering your fear and shit?

She laughs and she opens her eyes and stares up at him.  His hair is hanging over his shoulders, dripping, and his eyes are crinkled up, smiling and kind and she pushes herself to her feet and says,

Yeah, I guess it kind of was.