Out of Focus

She needs to leave.  There are too many people and she can’t breathe and she wants to scream and she makes a wake through the crowd.  She goes down the stairs to her room and starts pulling clothes out of drawers and off of hangers and she throws it all into a pile on her floor.  She goes into the laundry room to get her suitcase and takes it back into her bedroom and finds Des sitting on her bed.

What’s with the suitcase?  What are you doing?

I’m leaving.

… Right now?

Yeah, right now.

He shakes his head at her,

What happened? 

Nothing.  I just found an unconscious, half naked man on Ben’s bed with a needle hanging out of his arm. 

 God … He’s an idiot, don’t worry about him.

 I’m not worried about him.  It’s not that.  It’s just … Too loud here. 

 Where exactly are you going to go?

 I don’t know.  The beach.  I want to go to the beach.

 It’s the middle of the night.

Yes, and if I leave now I’ll be there tomorrow afternoon.  Perfect.

Ok.  Ok.  I’m sorry, but … I’m a bit confused.  You’re really going to leave.  Right now.  And drive to the beach.  What beach?  What are you going to do?  Where are you going to stay?  You’re acting crazy.

Maybe I am.  I’ll stay in a hotel.

 Emily…

 What? Why are you calling me that?

she mumbles as she stuffs bras and socks and shorts into her suitcase.  She crosses the room and starts pulling shoes out of the closet.

I’m not sure how good of an idea this is.

I have a few days off work and I need to get out of here.  I sold a few pieces at my show last week, I have some extra money.

Let me go with you then.

She stops digging through the bottom of her closet and looks at him,

What?  You can’t.

Um, why can you?

Because.  Because I don’t care.  You have … Things.  I don’t have anything.

Emi-

God, don’t call me that, you never call me that, it sounds weird.  It makes me worried.

You’re worrying me!

Well, don’t be, okay?  Just help me find my fucking flip-flop.  I can’t find the other one, it’s gotta be around her somewhere…

Des gets down on the ground and reaches under her bed.

Can I at least look at your car for you before you go?  You really should wait until morning.  

His voice is muffled from under the bed and his head reappears and he hands her the flip-flop and she stares at it in her hand.  She meets his eyes and he looks away.  She sighs and drops the flip-flop into the suitcase with the other one.

I’m not waiting.  I’m sorry.  I can’t.

 He shrugs and gets up from the carpet.

 Well, get me a flashlight.  Let me at least make sure you’ll make it wherever you’re going.

Upstairs, Notorious blares through the speakers and the party is still raging and no one really notices her as she pushes past them with her suitcase dragging along behind her and Ben starts yelling for her across the room, asking if she’ll go buy more ice.  She ignores him and elbows past a group of girls standing in front of the door and they say something and she doesn’t really hear what it is, but it makes her angry and she turns and says,

 Who the fuck are you?  Why are you here?

 What?

 Who are you?

 she screams and Des takes the suitcase out of her hand and pushes her out of the house.  He shuts the door behind them and the girls’ voices are muted and the music seems far away and she takes a deep breath.

 I think there’s a flashlight back here.

 She starts walking down the driveway and he follows her,

 Why are you leaving, really?

 She pretends not to hear him and he hears bangs and crashes coming from inside the garage,

 Can you even see in there?  Em?

 Stop fucking calling me that!

 She pushes past the wooden door and he sees in the lamplight that her eyes are wet and she’s trying to shield her face from him and he grabs her by the shoulders. 

Emily.  What is wrong with you?  What’s going on? 

 I just—I just — I don’t know.  I’m losing my mind.  I really am, I mean, look at me… I’m crying, I don’t fucking cry, Jesus …

 It’s okay for you to cry sometimes, you know.

 No.  It’s not.  I’m just sick of all of these people and I’m sick of being here and I’m sick of being in my own head and -

 He wraps his arms around her and puts his hand on her head.  She tries to pull back,

 You’re hugging me…

 He laughs and lets her go.

 Well, it’s okay for me to hug you, too.

 She can’t find a flashlight and Des pulls his car in front of hers and turns on the headlights and she sits and waits while he works.   He checks her oil and refills her coolant and gives her his Triple A card.  She’s calmer and she stands up from the curb and takes the keys from his hand.  The front door flies open and rap music tumbles out of the house and a group of people fall down the stoop together and light cigarettes.  Emily rolls her eyes and slams the trunk closed and throws her purse into the front seat.  She turns around and Des starts to say something, but she puts her hand over his mouth to stop him.

 I don’t want to talk about it now, okay? 

 She holds her hand there for a moment and then sighs and climbs into the car.

 I’ll be back.  I promise.